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I spent three years in excruciating grief mourning my wife, who died in a tragic accident – yesterday I saw her alive next to my worst enemy.
She hadn’t chosen Marcus.
She hadn’t built a new life.
She hadn’t returned either.
All of this could be true, and yet leave no room for my anger to settle comfortably.
Finally, I asked, « What do you think would happen if I found you? »
She hadn’t built a new life.
« I didn’t think I’d live long enough in the same world as you without going home. »
« That’s not an answer, » I retorted sharply.
« I thought you’d hate me, Harry. »
« I do. »
She nodded. « I know. »
« I thought you’d hate me, Harry. »
Marcus moved away from the table.
He stopped at the door.
« I ruined your company, » he admitted. « I told myself it was business. »
I looked at him. « Was that it? »
« No. »
He opened the French doors to the terrace.
« I was younger back then. Losing my wife didn’t heal me right away, Harry. »
He left before I could reply.
« I was younger back then. »
Sarah and I stayed on the terrace until the shadows reached the table.
We have not forgiven.
We haven’t decided.
She told me about the hospital and the words she had lost. I told her that Lily called the moon « the night balloon » and refused to wear socks with seams.
Sarah wrote everything down on a napkin.
Purple toothbrush.
Fear of elevators.
Likes olives.
Hates wet sleeves.
We have not forgiven.
I watched her write her daughter’s name in her hand, like someone who fears the world will take this list from her.
When I got up, Sarah got up too.
This time, she did not reach for the chair.
« May I see her? »
« Not today, » I said.
She nodded too quickly.
« All right. »
I looked at her. « Don’t disappear before tomorrow. »
« May I see her? »
I placed the yellow duck on the table between us.
She didn’t touch it until I brought it closer.
« She’ll want to get that back, » I said.
Sarah picked it up with both hands.
« I know. »
« She’ll want to get that back. »
***
This morning, Lily woke up before seven o’clock and crept quietly towards the kitchen, dragging her blanket behind her.
I had been sitting at the table for an hour, with Sarah’s phone number written on hotel letterhead.
The yellow duck was lying next to it.
Returned.
Not retained.
Lily climbed onto my lap and reached out to grab it.
« Duck. »
I kissed the top of his head.
The yellow duck was lying next to it.
The phone was placed face down on the table near my elbow.
I had not yet decided what mercy would look like.
However, it had to start with something more modest than forgiveness.
I dialed the number before I could change my mind.
Sarah answered the second ring.
None of us spoke.
I had not yet decided what mercy would look like.
Lily pressed the duck’s twisted wing against my cheek.
« Who is it, Dad? »
On the other side of the line, Sarah took a deep breath.
I looked at the little yellow duck in my daughter’s hands.
At the level of the loose button’s eyelet.
To the stitch that Sarah never repaired.
« Someone who knew Duckie first, my dear, » I said.
« Who is it, Dad? »
Lily held the toy towards the phone, looking serious and curious.
Sarah began to cry without making a sound.
I didn’t tell him to stop.
I didn’t tell him to come.
I simply put the phone on speakerphone and placed it on the kitchen table.
Between us, the little yellow duck sat upright in Lily’s hands, waiting for a voice it had been carrying for longer than she knew.
I didn’t tell him to come.
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